My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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