this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
