Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
