my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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