don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
