I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
