my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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