Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
