Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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