When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
