This girl is more easily done than said...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
