repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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