I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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