So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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