I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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