He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
