the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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