i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
