Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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