Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
vagina is talking i cant
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Randomize
