I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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