I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
