If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I love you. Go after that dick
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
