You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
