He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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