Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
