All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize