Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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