There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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