instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
