I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
