I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
