I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
