just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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