I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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