If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
