bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
