I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
