I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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