hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
