she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
