Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
