i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize