we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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