is your mom at the bar?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize