All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
