I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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