you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
