Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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