Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
