why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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