If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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