Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
