Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
