They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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