My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
